Lets get visible – how self sabotage holds us back

self sabotage, visible

Bonus points if you sung “Lets get Physical” by Olivia Newton – John

Self sabotage is a tricky beast. It can show up in a myriad of little ways and some not so little ways.

Self sabotage is often our inner child’s way of keeping us safe from perceived dangers. The trouble is that what was dangerous to our inner child is probably perfectly okay for us as an adult.

When we were little we often hoped and prayed that the teacher wouldn’t call on us in class. We hoped that  we could sneak an extra biscuit without our parents catching us. We just wanted to be invisible or blend into the wallpaper – for whatever reason. So our inner child does a good job of remembering all of those times that we tried to hide ourselves, those times when we decided it was not safe to be seen. In its own way, our inner child is still trying to keep us safe from whatever it sees as being dangerous.

The thing is that we aren’t five3 years old any more. We aren’t worried about the teacher calling on us the answer the questions any more. We aren’t hiding from any one but we also aren’t showing up in our own lives as fully as we should either.
We are letting our inner child rule the roost. We are letting our inner child tell us “No, don’t put yourself out there its not safe. No, don’t show up as your authentic self you’ll get hurt. No, best you stay here with me”  Then we wonder why our soul mate can’t find us or we get passed over for promotion or why we don’t get the amount of clients that we want.
We start to feel invisible and wonder why that is.

The answer is simple – our inner child is helping us stay hidden.

It isn’t doing it to hurt us or to hold us back, although those are side effects. No our inner child is doing what it sees as its job – keeping us safe. What was “dangerous” to us when we were 5 is a totally different story to when we are 35 or 45. We grow up but our inner child stays stuck in the first few years of our life. You see our subconscious mind is what governs our inner child and that got formed waaaay back before we were 7 ( yes, really).

Think of your subconscious mind as the default settings on your computer. It is the programming that we came in with and (good news!) we can change it.

Bob Proctor says that there are only two ways to change your subconscious beliefs

(1) A near death experience or diagnosis of life threatening illness

or
(2) Constant evenly, spaced repetition.

Which option are you going to pick?

I know which one sounds easier and doable.

This is why I love EFT (tapping). With EFT we can uncover those old memories and patterns and start shifting your mindset to one that serves you and works in your favor.

If you think visibility is one of the ways self sabotage is holding you back or you want to be more visible in your life then now is a good time to book in for a session with me.

http://www.caitlingraceauthor.com/energeticrealignment

 

 

 

 

When friends attack

We have all had that one friend who liked to drag us down. Who, for whatever reason, we never felt good about ourselves after we hung out with her. We may not have even consciously given it any thought until one day someone pointed out that she was in fact always mean.

For me it was one of my sisters. She seemed to always find fault with everything that I did or wore or she would say things like “Did your hairdresser mean to cut out a lump of hair at the back here?” .This was when I had just had a new hair cut and “at the back” was somewhere I couldn’t see unless I had two mirrors which just left me feeling a little unsure of my new ‘do’.

group of women praying

Women thrive with a tribe

And that is just the effect certain “friends” want  – for you to feel unsure of yourself. They mistakenly think that by pulling you down, they will rise up. But life doesn’t work that way and pulling you down only makes you miserable and, ultimately, gives them no satisfaction either.

I was talking with a woman in a shop the other day and complimented her on her pants, mentioning how comfortable they looked and that is when she told me about her friend. When she bought the pants she was with a friend who told her that “those pants will never fit you.”  so she bought them without trying them on and loves them!

How to turn it around

Women are great together.

Women nurture and support each other. We will turn up at the drop of a hat if you need us. We will help you shift house or drive you to the airport. BUT women are also bitchy and catty .

Often it feels like there is no happy medium.

It doesn’t have to be like that though.

We can form  loving supportive tribes of women. We just have to figure out how to be more loving to ourselves first.

Yes, it all comes back to self love. Always.

If we love and support and nurture ourselves and fill up our own well then we have more of that to flow out to others, especially our friends.

Self Love Heals

Chances are if one of your friends is being a tad bitchy it’s because she  is not in a happy space herself. If she is always being bitchy then she’s probably not a happy girl at all and maybe needs  more support and some help loving herself.

How do you help her love herself more? By being a shining example of what self love looks like

We have all heard about self love but what does it really mean?

For starters it is not all facials and days at the spa. Self love is about looking at all of your baggage. The next step deciding to unpack and sift through what is really worth hanging on to and what needs to go.

Healing your shit is the first step. In fact it is the only step that matters.

Because just when you have done healing all your shit ? Another layer comes rising up to be healed.

Having friends that are working through their stuff too is just like the cream on top . You deserve friends like these and you get there by deciding that those are the people you want in your tribe.

Declare that to the Universe. Let go of any that aren’t like it and make room for the new ones to arrive. Because they will.

 

 

Bare Faced Lies (or the bullshit we tell ourselves)

if-tomorrow

Back in the 80’s I had a girlfriend who wore heaps of make up and big teased up hair. In fact if you remember the 80’s at all you probably had a friend like that too. She was a great friend and we had lots of laughs together.

One day I turned up at  her house early and she was still in bed – no big deal but she wouldn’t let me in the house until her make up and hair were done because no-one ever saw her without it which I found astounding. I asked her about her boyfriend and she said “Nope, not even him.” Instead she would get up before him and reapply her makeup and do her hair before he woke up.

At that stage of my life (I was in my 20’s) I still didn’t even wear make up and couldn’t fathom having to put it all on before someone saw me. It just wasn’t in my frame of reference….. and even now that I’m in my 50’s it still isn’t.

I’m comfortable in my skin. I like the way I look and I love my face, wrinkles and all. I know where those wrinkles come from; the laughter, the anguish, the frowns and the worry. I even love my grey hair.

I’m a natural kind of woman.

Sure, I wear make up, usually a natural one as anything else makes me want to claw it off my face but I don’t feel like I have to wear it. Yes, there are days when I do and there are also lots of days when I don’t.

I regularly leave home without it on – quite happily in fact. Often, when I do wear it I can’t wait to come home and take it off. Yes, it makes me look good; it brightens my face, makes my eyes sparkle and my lips sing but I’m ok without it too.

So it frustrates me that we still feel compelled to urge women to smile – guess what they may be having a crap day and don’t feel like smiling. We tell our friends they look tired when they aren’t wearing make up – guess what? they may actually be tired and that’s ok.

We don’t always need to be on show.

We don’t always need to wear make up -unless we want to.

We don’t always need to hide our emotions.

We don’t always need to hide behind the mask.

We can be real and raw and authentic and show up just as ourselves in all our bare faced nakedness.

We don’t need to buy into the idea that we have to look a certain way.

We don’t need to buy into the idea that we have to look “pretty” all the time.

We don’t have to buy into the idea that we need make up to look beautiful.

We don’t have to buy into the idea that how we look is that we have to offer the world.

We don’t have to buy into the idea that we need to dye our grey hair.

We can start accepting our beauty.

We can show up, every day, as our most authentic self.

We can support other women in their beauty choices.

We can love the skin we are in.

Be your own kind of beautiful.

Do it today.

Do it for yourself.

Do it for your daughters.

Just do it.

Journal Love – its a thing!

A few years back I -finally- bought a copy of The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. It was one of those things that kept coming up and I kept batting away with excuse like “I’m not creative.” “I wouldn’t know what to write.” “I don’t have time for that” which was, of course, a load of crap.

Let’s face it,  we are all creative, maybe not in the same way, but we are all creative.

everybody-is-a-genius-but-if-you-judge-a-fish-by-its-ability-to-climb-trees-it-will-live-its-whole-life-beliving-it-is-stupid

It’s just that I grew up in a family of creative people; my dad tied his own flies for fly fishing and was a welder and woodworker, my mum made all of our clothes, knitted, crocheted and cooked amazing food, my eldest brother drew and so did one of my sisters – she also painted and created her own knitting patterns (???) which turned out more like art works and my other sister did interior design.  How could I compete with that? So I decided that I was not creative – at all.

My first husband and his family were all creatives too, so again I got it in my head that it had somehow skipped past me. Everyone else had talents but I had none.

Along came my loving husband and, even though all his family were creative too, he kept telling me that so was I… until it finally sunk in.

Meanwhile back at the journaling…..

I finally bought the book and got stuck into…. and fell instantly in love, just like that.

Journaling is now something that I do daily. In fact my days feel incomplete if I skip it , which is rare.

Sure there are still days where I wonder what the hell to write and I have been known to do a whole page of “I don’t know why I am doing this. This sucks. I don’t know what to write.” And what always happens? Without fail? Something pops into my head and next thing I am filling pages like they are going out of style.

Be your own best friend

Be your own best friend

Journaling clears my head. It opens up a dialogue between myself and my subconscious . It taps me in to the Higher aspect of myself. There have been days where I am in a completely foul mood;I’ve argued with my darling or someone has pissed me off and so I spew all of that onto the page and before you know it my mood has shifted and I have seen the other person’s perspective.

Works every time.

And that is the beauty of it. Everyone gets caught up in the “I don’t know what to write.” and that is where they stay. Stuck.

But the truth is we are chattering away to ourselves every second of every day in our heads. Often we go around and around and over and under and back again trying to gain some clarity on some issue that we are having so much so that we tie ourselves in knots. Pouring all of that out onto a page brings us the clarity that we are longing for. We have opened the dialogue with ourselves .

Which is why I took it to the next level and created the Calling in the Goddess journaling package ( Still under construction! But coming soon). If having a conversation with yourself is a great idea, tuning in and having a conversation with the Goddess aspects of yourself is even better and to get you in the right head space I’ve created a meditation and a tapping audio to help get you unstuck, out of your head and into your body plus a video on tips to create a journaling ritual and if that doesn’t make you a journal junkie I don’t know what will and it is quite possible that we can’t be friends.

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Uncovering your authentic self

Who are you?

Now, who are you really?

Aside from your name and your job title who are you?

Being authentic is one of those catch phrases that gets bandied about a lot lately and it seems like we are all trying to figure out just who the hell we really are.

Why is that?

Well, generally it is becasue we have spent so much fucking time and energy trying to please somebody, or several somebodies, or everybody. We seem to have got the message early in our life that we just weren’t measuring up so we figured that we needed to be “something else” only that never felt quite right so we tried again and again to be “just right”

Oh my God it’s exhausting just writing that all down. But we’ve all done it haven’t we?

Smiled when we wanted to cry.

Smiled when inside we were seething.

Smiled and said “I’m fine” when we wanted to scream and fall apart.

Smiled, through gritted teeth and smiled and smiled and kept everything so tightly wrapped so you didn’t unravel…. until.

Until you noticed that your face ached and your stomach felt tied in knots and you were looking forward so, so much to that glass of wine ( or three) at the end of the day so you could “relax”  only you still felt wound tight as a drum.

Until your body was screaming at you, in constant pain with lots of little, and big, niggles; headaches, back aches, aches upon aches, sore throats, chest infections, skin eruptions. Oh,the list is long.

Until. You. Just. Can’t. Take. It. Any. More.

So you set out to be your most authentic self….. only you have forgotten what that looks like. Or feels like.

In fact you just feel numb and Oh my God, so TIRED.

You have forgotten how to just be you.

You have forgotten how to have fun without alcohol

You have forgotten how to feel.

How do you get back to yourself?

(1) Start saying “no”
_no_-is-a-muscleuse-it
If someone offers you something; a piece of cake, a job, the chance to go to a party and you don’t feel a “Hell, Yeah” inside of you then it’s a “Hell, No”. End of story.
doing things out of obligation or a sense of “having to” isn’t fun for anybody so don’t do it.

(2) Spend some time alone

We get so used to  being plugged in; to our phones, to the internet, that we forget what it is like to be alone with our own thoughts. try it. Try for one day to disconnect from the phone, from the computer, from other people. Just be with yourself and see what comes up. Figure out what you love to do and do that.

(3) Remember

Find some pictures of you when you were a child, the younger the better and try and remember what lit you up then. Chances are there is some part of you that would still love that now.

(4) Play

Take your pleasure seriously

Take sometime to paly. Splash in puddles. Blow bubbles. Spend the afternoon coloring in. Or ride your bike. Go to the beach.

Spend some time doing nothing much at all that doesn’t involve electronics. You might find you actually like it.

(5) Spend time in Nature

Nature soothes us like nothing else. It takes us back to our primal state and restores our Soul.

(6) Journal

Handwriting activates different parts of our brain and helps us to unravel all the ideas, thoughts and beliefs that we have banging around inside our heads.  Julia Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way” is a great place to start as it gives you writing prompts for each day.

(7) Book a session

If all else fails book a session with me so we can uncover what is truly holding you back from being your most awesome self.

Breaking down, Breaking through

I’ve been reading  “Women who run with the wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes and last night I read the chapter about the Ugly Duckling and how it never really fit in anywhere and how this is the epitome of the Wild Women.

I was nodding so vigorously my head nearly fell off because that was me.

All through my child hood I felt like I didn’t fit in.

When I was in my teens I was convinced that I must have been adopted even though I looked exactly like my brothers and sisters and was often mistaken as a twin of one of my sisters.

I just felt alien, other, different, wrong.

I also couldn’t stand my name – or any variations of it. So I tried on different names and settled on my initials for a time.

I thought things would get better when I left home. They didn’t.

My mother in law had distinct ideas of how and who I should be and try as I might I wasn’t that
either.
Want to read more? Click here

The Joy is in the Journey

winding road

I bet you thought this blog was going to be about a road trip….. And it is.

Kind of.
Only the road trip we are taking is one through our sex lives.

Part of the fun of a road trip is the journey itself; the scenery, the pit stops,the checking out the random things you see and suddenly must investigate further. Well, sex is just like that and just like no road trip is complete without someone asking, from the back seat, “are we there yet?” often our sex ride is interrupted by some one asking (or thinking!) “are we there yet?”, which in sex talk looks more like “where did my orgasm go?”.

The trouble is too many of us, especially us women, are focused on the end goal – arriving at the destination marked “Orgasm” rather than just enjoying the journey.

Great sex should be more of a marathon than a sprint, although that analogy tends to make it sound more like a test of endurance and stamina rather than the joyful adventure that it is.

We all seem to feel so pressured ( again, I’m talking to you, ladies) on reaching an orgasm in a short space of time and we seem to forget that sex is supposed to be fun, first and foremost.

With all this pressure to “hurry up and come” we lose the ability to be fully present in the moment and experience all the sensations and bliss that is happening right now, in this moment.

Nowhere was this made more clear to me than in a recent article I read on XOJane.

The article itself was great as it was giving  five  ways to make masturbation even better and spoke of setting the mood,using a yoni egg and meditation among other things but it was the comments that I found most interesting, for two reasons; (1) the amount of women who were worried about the yoni egg disappearing inside of them which just shows the disconnect from our bodies and basic anatomy and (2) how many of them were looking at just “getting off” and wanting tips for better vibrators.

Now there is nothing wrong with vibrators or wanting a “quick orgasm”,  I’m just saying it shouldn’t be like all the time. we should learn to savour the trip so here are my tips for slower, sexier journeys

(1) Take in the scenery


Just like on a road trip you take time to admire the views the same can be said for a good sex session. Take the time to admire your partner.

Notice their long legs, their broad shoulders and their cute little toosh.

Spend time exploring their body.

(2) Have a pit stop


Go get a drink or something sexy to nibble on. Hydration is always essential for an extended session which then leads to…..
Take a pee break. Nothing will take the focus off your orgasm quicker than needing to pee!

(3) Change drivers

Everyone gets tired so if one partner has been doing all the hard yards give them a break and you take over for awhile.

(4) We’re here!

Even if only one of you orgasms it can still have been a fun trip. Focusing only on the destination can make any adventure long and tortuous but going along for the ride, just for fun, makes it all worthwhile.

The biggest thing I want you to get from this blog post is to just S-L-O-W D-O-W-N. Take your time. Take the pressure off both you and your partner about when or if you are going to orgasm. The more you tense up and stress about it the more fleeting it will become. Just relax, breathe and enjoy the ride.

PS: and if all else fails there is always vibrators!
 
PPS and as an FYI there is no way a yoni egg can “disappear” inside of you to wander forlornly among your entrails. NOPE, ain’t going to happen

What love looks like

I just spent the weekend celebrating my father in law’s eighty eighth birthday which involved all his kids, their husband’s or wives, various grandchildren and their partners and a few of his great grandchildren thrown in for good measure. It also meant four birthday cakes and who can resist that?

I am lucky enough to have a father in law who I absolutely adore and even luckier to know that the feelings are mutual. I was also blessed with a loving mother in law but sadly she passed away a couple of years ago which makes our family gatherings extra poignant these days.

My f in l ( as he calls himself, which always makes me giggle as it sounds almost like I’m swearing at him) was and still is completely devoted to his wife and talks of her often and how they first met and some of the mischief they got up to back in the day.

We all tend to think of our in laws and elders as being stuffy sexless creatures and we forget that they were young and passionate once too. I love that he is willing to share some of that passion with me  let me know that passion doesn’t fade. Sure the body might not be quite as willing but the fire doesn’t die out completely… or ever.
Things that my F in L has taught me:

(1) Family matters  and love matters most of all

I have been welcomed into this family from the first day.  I probably wouldn’t have been the first ( or even second ) choice for their son  as I was ten years younger and had three kids already, one of whom was only a babe in arms. I’m not sure what they thought of me then and they never showed me anything other than love.. and my boys too. That in itself is priceless.

(2) Judgment is best left at the door

I am not the world’s greatest housekeepers. Ok, let’s be real, I suck at housekeeping. Thankfully my mother in law ( or M in L) never, ever judged the appearance of my house when they came for visits. In fact , one time I apologized for the state of the house and she replied ” we came to see you not the house.” and for that I will always love her!

(3) Even when you disagree love trumps all

Early on my husband and his mother had an argument and she hung up on him… but they soon made up because that’s what family does. They could never get their head around the fact that my parents and I are still not talking after 7 years – that just seemed like a waste to them ( and yes, I have reached out to them and yes, it is a long involved story and no, it won’t be healed any time soon)

(4) Acceptance is everything

I write about sex. I podcast about sex (if you haven’t listened in yet , go check it out). I call myself a Sex Goddess. All of which my in laws never bat an eye – ever. In fact, they both used to check in with me as to how my business was/is going.

The bottom line in all of this is that love trumps everything. That’s it. So let’s spread more love out there in the world

The world will be saved by western woman

So said the Dalai Lama in 2009.

The Dalai Lama

The Dalai Lama

And yet here we are in 2016 with stories of Taylor Swift and Kim Kardashian getting into a twitter spat over whether Taylor did or did not know that Kanye West would be calling her a bitch in his song “Famous” ( which, fyi, I have not listened to and do not intend to).

Or we have this delightful woman taking a naked photo of another unsuspecting gym user and posting it on her snapchat

What I would like to know is when all this “sisterhood”, women nurturing and supporting other women is going to kick in?

I have hope, I truly do.

I see awesome support in various women only Facebook groups I belong to ( Shout out to Natasha Corbin’s Heart Centred Soul Driven group and Melissa Sandon’s Soul Leaders group to name just two!).

I talk with awesome women on my podcast who are doing great work in the world and helping other women to shine in their lives and relationships.

And then I see stories of women mocking someone else because of their size or I read the comments on some posts that people make where the women are often the harshest critics and I despair.

For some reason women feel like they have to put other women down in order to build themselves up. I get it. I used to be like that when I was in my twenties and then I had kids and I realised that actually youth fades, quickly and there is a lot more that goes into making a woman beautiful and very little of it has to do with her looks.

But we are still so quick to judge another by their looks; whether it’s a politician or a movie star or worse a movie star that has felt so much pressure to look a certain way that she has succumbed to plastic surgery or  judging another actress for not aging well .

Let’s all just decide that people are allowed to look the way they want to and instead focus on fixing the world because, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the world has really let itself go lately and could do with a serious makeover so let’s fix that first okay?

Nurturing your Inner Child

None of us get through our childhood unscathed.

Even if you had the best parents in the world.

family

Even if all the teachers you had were supportive  of your unique take on the world.

Even if the religion you followed allowed you to fully express all aspects of yourself.

Even if the society you live in was the most inclusive and liberal.

You can see where I’m going with this, right?

You see when we were born we were at our most open, trusting and vulnerable and we had no filters. that means we took everything as gospel, as the pure truth because we had nothing else to judge it by.

If someone told us we were ugly we believed them. If someone told us that we were useless and not worth the time spent talking to us, we took that in too.

The truth is they didn’t even have to say a word – we soaked everything up like a sponge; the good, the bad and the downright ugly. All was taken in and laid down in our subconscious mind and shaped how we viewed life from then on.

That voice you have in your head telling you that you are never going to amount to anything, that you will never find love? That comes from way back then.

And we can’t blame those who instilled those messages into us. They were just teaching us what they learned when they were young. No parent sets out to damage their child ( generally speaking. Yes, their are some damaged individuals who inflict child abuse but in broad sweeping terms most parents want the best  for their kids).

Buried deep inside of us is a wounded child. A child that needs our love, forgiveness and compassion as if they were standing in front of you right now with tears streaming down their face and looking to you to make it all okay.

How do we go about making it okay? How do we kiss the boo boos away and tend to those past hurts?

Here’s  a few simple steps you can take:

(1) Acknowledge the hurts. We can’t heal what we don’t acknowledge and sometimes the healing lies in the acknowledgement.

 boat on the water

(2)  Do a visualization and imagine sitting down with your inner child and asking them what they need for healing. This can be a powerful process for healing on all levels. Imagine taking the younger you onto your lap and giving them a big hug and listening to all they have to tell you.

(3) Write your younger self a letter telling yourself all the messages that you had longed to hear. how valuable you are as a person, how much you are loved and treasured.

(4) Place photos of you when you were younger around your work space so you can remember to connect with that younger aspect of yourself. Let it be a reminder to have fun and play.

(5) Most of all be gentle with yourself and know that whatever your childhood was like you survived and you are here now and that in itself is a precious gift.

What is your favorite way to nurture your inner child?